Taking the Interaction Method Home

June 10, 2019 Leave a comment
The Parker Clan

IISC is about to celebrate 25 years of service and my husband and I just celebrated 27 years of marriage. One of my colleagues asked how being part of IISC has influenced my marriage. I tell workshop participants all the time that using at home the collaborative methods and mindset that we teach will make it easy to use them at work. They will also make your home life better because they are rooted in values that are all about building up others and working together toward important common goals. Sounds like family life to me!

When I’m on my best behavior at home (as a mom, wife, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law) I use lots of what I have learned and teach at IISC. It’s also true that when I’m on bad behavior, I’ve usually forgotten or laid aside what I’ve learned. Here’s a sampler …

  • Distinguish content and process. Use appropriate processes for the outcomes and people you’re working with. Pay special attention to process and how people are relating to one another.
  • Be clear about my role in the conversation. Am I participating? Just facilitating? Coaching?
    • When I am a participant, bias toward asking questions that build understanding and help ideas to emerge. Engage with what others are saying rather than just advocating for my own ideas.
    • When coaching, ask questions and share observations that help the coachee to gain insight. Before giving advice, be sure the person wants it.
    • When I’m just facilitating, don’t do the work for the group or turn the conversation toward me or my ideas. Help them to think it out.
  • In all cases, inquire before advocating. And then inquire some more!
  • Be clear about who’s the decision maker and involve others appropriately in the process. Remember that even when I have the authority to make a decision, I will still want to consider ways to involve others who will be affected by that decision. And, be sure to explain my rationale.
  • Remember that big agreements are often built through a series of small agreements.
  • Remember IISC’s collaboration lens:
    • Networks – Remember that my family is part of a broader network. Cultivate relationships, build the capacity of everyone in the network to be strong, contributing members, build a gift culture.
    • Exercise “power with” rather than “power over.” Again, even when I do have power over (as with a small child), bias toward building the person’s power to discern and act on their best motivations rather than just imposing my will.
    • Work for equitable outcomes, matching my strategies to the individual needs. Recognize that people will experience the family and the world differently based on their identity.
    • Nurture the love that does justice. Deeply honor the humanity of everyone, even people we disagree with.
  • When in conflict, don’t be overly wedded to my position. Reveal and encourage others to reveal the underlying interests and look for common ground. Explore options without commitments before trying to move toward an agreement.
  • Be clear and specific about feedback. And only offer it when you are genuinely committed to the other person’s improvement. Make sure to give reinforcing feedback as well as constructive feedback.
  • Remember where you are in the open-narrow-close stages of building an agreement. Don’t start to narrow (analyze options) too early or good ideas may not emerge. Don’t close (make an agreement) until you’ve got all the ideas on the table and have thought them through together.
  • And, of course, many of our norms for collaboration:  Remember it’s ok to disagree. Listen for understanding. Enable empathy and compassion. Take space/make space. Keep it real. Keep it here. Take responsibility for impact, regardless of intent.

I’m curious about what’s on your list folks!!

Years ago, I used to joke (only half kiddingly) with Ron and Susan Kertnzer, who were affiliates and former staff of Interaction Associates who were married to each other. After participating in a workshop that they facilitated, I thought we should create a workshop called “The Learning Marriage and the Facilitated Family.” The skills we teach could strengthen some basic building blocks of our society. And, if we would learn and use these skills at home, using them at work would be second nature! That idea never got out of the discussion phase. Who knows whether it’s an idea whose time will eventually come!?!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.